Title
of the book I’M OK – YOU’RE OK
Author Thomas A.Harris, M.D.
Name
of the publisher Avon Books
ISBN 0-030-007772
Edition July 1973
Introduction
Are you okay? That's probably the
most important question anyone will ever answer, and Dr. Thomas Harris's
groundbreaking bestseller has already helped millions respond in the
affirmative. I’M OK – YOU’RE OK is “the product of a search to find answers for
people who are looking for hard facts in answer to their questions about how
the mind operates, why we do what we do, and how we can stop doing what we do
if we wish.”
How to gain control of
your future, no matter what has happened in the past – that is the promise Dr.
Harris holds out in his well illustrated book in thirteen chapters. The author
says that most people have come to accept that psychiatry is a good thing, but
exactly what it is and what it does has not been made clear, especially as the
words psychiatrists use seems to mean different things to different people. Dr.
Harries has taken up the challenge in this book, in simple (though not
simplistic) terms.
Dr. Harries believes that
it's never too late to change your ego state. This book has techniques which
work well on an individual, couple, or group level written in language that's
easy to understand with its systematic approach which can be easily followed by
people of any age group.
An excellent book and
highly recommended for people who want a better understanding of themselves and
others. This practical guide to TA is a unique approach to your problems.
Hundreds of thousands of people have found this phenomenal breakthrough in psychotherapy
a turning point in their lives. In sensible, non-technical language Thomas A
Harris explains how to gain control of yourself, your relationships and your
future - no matter what happened in the past.
About the Author:
Thomas Anthony Harris was
an American psychiatrist. After receiving his M. D. from the Temple University
School of Medicine, Harris joined the navy, to which he returned after he
completed his residency and where he made a good career until he became Chief
of the Psychiatry Branch of the Navy. He later opened his own psychiatric
practice in Sacramento. Harris was a good friend of Eric Berne, founder
of Transactional
Analysis and author of the
popular book “Games People Play“. Harris disagreed with Berne on a few concepts, but was
overall a major proponent of Transactional Analysis.
“I’m OK – You’re OK” (1967) introduces
transactional analysis to the general public. Thomas Harris, the author, shows
readers how to apply PAC to our daily social interactions, how to self-analyze
ourselves, and how to learn to become more discerning, rational, and empowered human
beings.
PAC: Parent, Adult, Child
Transaction analysis postulate there
are three distinguishable modes within each one of us that we use to process
information and respond to the stimuli around. These are the parent, the adult,
and the child.
Parent
The Parent is the
collection of all that the child has recorded during his early years of life.
All rules, admonitions, and limitations belong to the parent. Harris says that
since the children’s lives depend on the parents, everything from them is
recorded as “true”. If the parent sends discordant messages the child might
partially block out the parent, which is weakened or fragmented. If the parents
were very intense in their rules, it might be harder for the adult to question
and abandon those rules later in life.
Child
Since the child has no
words in his early years most of his recollections are feelings.
The child, dependant on the mother, is always looking for signs of approval or
disapproval. The child has no way to understand what causes approval or
disapproval, which frustrates him and leads him to conclude: “I’m not OK”,
which is hardwired in our brains and cannot be canceled. Same for the parents,
adults can be transferred back to the child in grown-up transactions.
Adult
The adult grows as the
child seeks answers for himself. He realizes there is different data from what
is taught by the parent and what is felt by the child.
I quote Thomas Harris
here:
The
adult is different from the parent, which is judgmental in an imitative way and
seeks to enforce sets of borrowed standards, and front the Child, which tends
to react more abruptly on the basis of pre logical thinking and poorly
differentiated or distorted perceptions’
The parent taught and
demonstrated life. The child felt, wished or fantasized. The adult finds out. The
adult has the power to examine the child to see whether or not the feelings are
appropriate to the present or if they don’t serve him well anymore and are
simply responses to archaic Parent data. Thomas Harry says that a secure
youngster is one who finds that most Parent data is reliable: They told me the
truth.
The Four Life Positions
Transaction analysis says
there are four positions an individual can find himself in:
I’m Not OK, You’re OK: the default of all children
I’m Not OK, You’re Not OK: if the mother is cold and non-stroking or aggressive and
brutalizing. An adult locked in this position rejects stroking and emotional
connection from everyone else in life.
I’m OK, You’re Not OK: children of abusive parents, while recovering from
wounds, can switch to a criminal stance were they see themselves as OK, but
they parents -and later the world- are not OK
I’m OK, You’re OK: this is the only conscious position and a decision we
make.
I’m Not OK, You’re OK is
the default position for many. And the default position of every child. If
the child very early thinks “I’m not OK”, he also concludes that his parent,
the big provider of all his life needs, must be OK. Once we feel that we are
not OK in a world of OK people, that’s when we play games, says the author. Games
people play is a form of relief of the “Not OK” position.
K. Rajavel M.Sc., M.Ed.,
Principal
good
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